Now I write persuasively for businesses.

I used to run massive hog roasts that fed hundreds of people at once, pick locks for desperate people stuck in the rain at all hours of the night, coach uninterested millennials and stubborn housewives to become slick & charming sales experts, and to this day I routinely negotiate with dangerous young people who've done serious crimes.

I've seen a lot of stuff.

CLIENT LASSO

But I won't boast about the past, puff about how much revenue I've driven, or recite quotes from happy people who hired me and think I made a difference to them.

You probably got here through a recommendation.Better see the contact box to get me soonest, or look at the person who sent you here for an idea what I do.But this is my website and right here is where I’m going to shill myself. Here goes:Hog Roasts, Sales Coach, Locksmith.Those are three things I did before persuading people to act with text.All self-taught. All did pretty well. And all satisfying in their own way.But aside from keeping me busy, fed, and chirpy, they also gave me a wide, sharp, and stealthy edge in Copy. Despite sounding irrelevant to what I do now, each one provided more than a degree in language or writing could ever get close to because words are only 10% of the pie.To do what I do you have to be willing to sweat for hours with intense focus to create something that FORCES mouths to water with one hit to the senses. (Hog Roasts)You must understand the person you're writing to better than they do to read every sign they give off, figure out what's stirring under the hood, and steer that towards a buying decision. (Sales Coach)And you need to be smart enough to know that something only looks if someone's mastered the tiniest details and most intricate, if not invisible, nuances behind the scenes. (Locksmith)It all came together.Or so I thought.Because, like any industry, there’s good and bad.And the examples I found in the wild definitely belong in the second group of that Clint Eastwood film title (though they probably overlap with the third):

  • CWs available at $7 an hour. (Not suspicious at all, hah?)

  • CWs who don't speak English, who's only Copy happens on Google Translate, soon followed by Paste. (If not English, your native language. You know, the one the copy NEEDS to be understood in?)

  • CWs of any tongue who do the same with Fap-GPT (You’ll spot these by how “fast delivery” is the main thing they force on you to try and sell themselves)

  • And the guy who sent this USP in a proposal on a job site: “I'll do as good a job as you could yourself"

^ That last example really came to a client of mine, those 10 words alone ^More accurate would have been:"I'll do as good a job as you could, if you were asleep."Because anyone who knows their own market will write better copy than that bozo.Which leads me to the “big idea” — a term copywriters overuse to hell — and that’s:The only person who matters is the one READING the copy.Yes, I’d probably like to work with you and think you’re great to hang out with at the after-party, but I’m still gonna tell you… you’re not as important as your customer.And unless you hate success, we must begin there.Knowing what makes them flush red with embarrassment, or get involuntarily excited with a mention is the first, last, and only thing we should care about when we’re selling your offer.It’s make or break in the dance between you and your potential buyer.In fact, market research is the best thing to have a background in if you were going to sit down and write copy yourself.(Not contradicting what I said above, just wish I’d done it first!!!!)

  • I use a little-known market research method that takes much less time than other copywriters, actually gets much closer to the heart of the market than any other method, and creates a “done-for-you” document that acts like a window to your customers’ souls — which you can then hand to other freelancers and save time forever. (I got this from a HUGE name in the industry who now boasts a $999 per hour price tag — if he ever takes client work!!)

On top of that:

  • I’ve studied negotiation deeply through the most respected & prestigious experts in the western hemisphere and practiced it over many years (including with very dangerous young offenders — winning people who’d committed serious crimes during puberty over to my side).

  • And I’ve spent hundreds of hours (and a five-figure amount of £££) studying how words release chemicals in the brain and affect wave patterns — breaking down over a thousand examples of winning copy from the all-time greats in the process, crossing at some points into hypnosis territory.

So if you’re looking for someone to come in, take a look around, and show you how you’re going wrong, I’m a damn good set of eyes to have in your corner.And if the idea is to get your market responding to what you do, which means more money moving through your wallet, important numbers going up, and a better looking future, I’m confident my input will be a step in the right direction.

Check the lists before you send anything.

Should you touch this box?

No

  • You've got a budget of $10 or want a nickel-and-dime exploitation job.

  • You want someone to use Chat GPT for you or make a baby with its results.

  • You think you could probably do the work yourself but need a human conduit.

  • Your in-house team want someone to bounce spitballs off.

  • You run something based on gambling or betting.

Yes

  • Your thing is ethical, helps people, and doesn't harm anyone sensible.

  • You know one good idea is better than ten mediocre ones.

  • Someone said I could really help you out.